[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
OKAY DAD
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”