003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice