can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth