The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
🤭😂
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.