[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?