when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
You Might Also Like
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
What even happened today?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍