Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Finished stitching this today 😇
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Meowchelangelo
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?