[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Yup
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.