I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts