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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.