He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms