I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.