SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[on my way back to the posting caves]