If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Important
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?