Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂