I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
i spent way too long on this
My birthstone is kidney
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.