That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?