My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.