You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Huge, if true.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there