I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|