first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no