Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex