Have kids, they said
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Mornin
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
You got this…
hi why am I like this
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.