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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
this is the best day of my life
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.