i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)