In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
🙋♀️
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.