I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets