Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.