Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
what?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that