[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word