cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My therapist after every session
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly