me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Buck naked
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
So inspired right now.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?