M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.