Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.