” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th