My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Goodnight 🐶
An odd boast
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Pot warmers of the day.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
January has been Januweary
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I can’t be the only one 😂
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*