The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total