Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Pretty much! 😂👀
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”