People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*