You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.