just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁