It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me