Well, that didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I never needed anything more in my life
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.