*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.