The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
thanks auntie mary
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.