Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
What my back needs
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.