Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
How did we not see this back then?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?