Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Ion see the issue
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
📽️movie date🎞️
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.