Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
TODAY
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.