Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
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6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I am, perchance
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Unimpressed
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wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up